Routine Mundaness

The mundaness of routine irks me. Lately everything irks me. This is quite possibly due to the incremental stress that has been placed upon my life. Dealing with family is one thing, dealing with work another, but dealing with fosters plus throw in trying to honor my charitable/volunteering efforts and its a whole mess of soggy cheerios in spoilt milk. Where's the time for me? Where's the time to kick back and relax? It doesn't exist in my life. Even when I do try to make me time, there's no time to relax because of all the piling chores/renovations/house stuff/family issues/being there for friends/feeling guilty when I'm not, that I need to take care of but have been delaying because I'm too busy trying to juggle it all.

Sometimes I wish i could just disappear, even if its just for a few minutes. Im sure I could accomplish a lot in a few minutes. That's the problem with people like me, the clock is always ticking, and the heart racing to complete the next task. As soon as one thing is crossed off the list, theres another waiting with a new deadline. I just dont have the time to breathe let alone sit down and ponder on life. I barely have time relax to take a crap because I'm too busy trying to think of what to do next.

It's people like me who love to complain about being busy, yet when we aren't busy, we complain about being bored. There's just no pleasing assholes.

The truth really does hurt.....

I think living in a bubble is really a pathetic escapism from reality.
We let ourselves believe the lies so that we never have to hear the truth.
I can understand why we prefer lies over the truth. After 13 years of believing one thing only now finding out the real truth and it hurts like hell. At the time I knew something wasn't quite right yet I let myself believe it because I needed some semblance of closure. Now the wound has opened again and slowly but surely its uglier than I could have ever imagined. I find myself hurting again and wonder if she's been hurting all these years. She must be,she's still here visiting or perhaps trying to let us know what really happened. I want justice, I want payback and yet after all these years I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I just want the truth known and I want her to be able to finally rest in peace.

The lost year

I saw what i didn't want to see and now I regret it.
I wish I hadn't haphazardly found my way there but alas there it was staring me in the face. As i was making the comparisons (hidden in the darkness of the room with just the light of the monitor reflecting off the screen) I thought to myself, "Turn it off" yet i couldn't pull myself away. Although I know i have nothing to worry about, I find myself 2 days later still pondering on the topic. Why was I feeling this way? It was in the past and that's when I realized my past came and left. The years have passed me by so quick I hardly remember my past. I searched and searched for that missing year of my life. And just like that it had disappeared and I have no documentation/pictures to support any event that took place during that year. It still bothers me that I can't recall what happened during that year. I just know it was turbulent and emotional. Perhaps that's what I'll account it to be, life changing and call it a day and make up what I've always thought I'd do but never really did.